How?!

what happens when the meaning of the word "faith" gets mixed up with religion or rather "being religious"... when the only expression that you have ever known in your faith is to love and that too unconditionally.

when you are not understood and worse still not given a chance to speak... when all that matters is the self of the other... when it is so easy for people to hurt you.. when people are afraid of confrontation... when people are afraid of their own fears... 

when people turn so self-centered that they dont think about how insensitive they have been towards you and your feelings... when all that matters is only ME rather than WE... when you will to give but the other refuses to take... when you look like an idiot while not thinking about yourself but only about the other... when the other does not make any effort to understand this!

when the other hates letting everyone know... when the other wants you to talk directly and yet does not give you a chance... when the other refuses to acknowledge... when the other knew it all along and yet kept dragging...

when the other assumes that you wont understand, while you actually can understand with some back reference... when the other thinks that you dont have any back reference! when the other is only to bothered to nurse their wounds!

when all the dreams are built on foundations and basis provided by the other... but then suddenly the other backs off... without a word... without a heart! shattering dreams, shattering the wishes of so many people, shattering the core of not just that one - you - but the other's self too!!

you idiot! how could you?! konchum kuda anbu illeya unnaku? anba vittu tallu.. manasu illeya onnaku? konchum kuda nenaichu parkaliye ni?

And then...

When we met and then let all know about our meeting,

When our folks met and our folks also let all know about our decision,

It was a happy moment for sure!

Finally it seemed like the search had ended!

Each time I would meet someone,

I felt my eyes locked with your’s,

A shy smile spread across my face,

Every pore oozing happiness as they all in unison proclaimed.

In song, from a movie or devotional or classical,

Your name appeared.

All heads turned towards me..

Laughter and mirth like I had never before heard.

And then all the chaos happened.

Yesterday the situation was similar..

They still played and sang the same songs..

Only this time, my eyes looked down

No other head turned towards me either.

Maybe they felt my pain.

Maybe they dint see me shy again.

Maybe they wondered if I would be hurt.

Maybe they just dint want to pour salt on a soft skin burnt.

image courtesy: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_185/1189950770bEgAvv.jpg

I searched endlessly for that coy smile

That mischief in the song.

Those dozen eyes to turn towards me

To tell me it was all a short n bad dream.

You have ridden me of my enthusiasm

The excitement that comes like a blossoming flower in a bride’s life

I don’t know what to name it anymore.

I never knew it now nor before.

Yes, my search has ended… for I can’t search any more!

This is it, or else nothing else is!

That’s for now.. my final call!

Freedom?

Is the loss of freedom only for a guy? Mustn't girls go through it more than guys would? After all it is a girl who leaves everything as it were and goes into a guy’s house. She has to accept his family as her own and do everything. (Personally I feel that acceptance between future family-members has to be done willingly. I also feel that it can very well be achieved with some maturity from all persons involved. I feel it is perfectly possible!! Maybe my opinion is positively clouded by my circumstances and what I have seen around me!)

Is there really any such thing as freedom? Or is it just a sense of it? Is it intrinsic or external to oneself?

If there is freedom, is it necessary for someone else to oppose it? There again, is the opposing element internal or external to the individual? If internal, how must one deal with it? If external, how must one deal with it?

Is exercising discretion the same as exercising control? Is it self-control? When does discretion of one become restraint for the other?

I am just loud thinking. These questions are occurring to me. They might have occurred or might be occurring to you too. My intention is not to tarnish anything or mess things up. It is just what I said: LOUD thinking!

I told you, this blog is MY space! :)

PS: CnH makes it a bit easy for us, right? ;)

Chaos

image courtesy: http://bbh-labs.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/3199296759_e5130dc6c1.jpg

When there is too much uncertainty and chaos all at the same time…

There is a line in hindi: dene wala jab bhi deta hai, deta hai chappar phad ke.

I can’t believe more in this line that right now! Most people would be thinking of elating moments in the given context, but well, the story is quite the contrary!

It’s not like it’s all so bad! But it sure is extremely trying!

When you have to justify or prove a point in your personal and professional sphere, all at the same time. Alright, this must be the case with many.. but I wonder if I have ever had it easy. The only two true companions in such times have been the Force and my humor. Yes of course my family and friends too. But aren’t they still external to the circumstances that one is directly in?

To cut the frills out, this is my first product release in the ‘new’ workplace. That too after some time. So it has been an interesting revelation to see how one deals with things all over again. My sabbatical taught me a lot of other things.. things which no other would have taught me. But I did experience withdrawal symptoms once I got back in the industry. It wasn’t easy sitting in front of the comp for so long. It was tough to sit in one place doing one thing. The extent of multi-tasking in my break and being on my toes all the time on the one hand, and then suddenly being ‘seated’ – maggi hot n sweet tomato chili sauce, its different! Hah!

But now am back into my ‘comfort zone’ so to say.. yes, I am still finding the need to prove it to myself, more than to anyone else, that I am still what I used to be! Probably inching ahead! I have learnt a lot over the last few months here. From new terms to new people to new distances to many more new things.. it has been an interesting journey. Now, as the release cycle ends and the product is about to hit the market, the last minute runs, the end rushes, all end up overwhelming me. The cycle is about to end. But the work is still in progress. And it’s not funny! I cant wait for it all to finish and me being able to sleep peacefully.

As if this is not it, some twists n turns in my personal sphere have made me feel like I am sitting in one of those Essel World rides. One minute you are concerned, the next minute you are relieved, the minute after that you are elated, the next minute more lemons are thrown at you. And then all you are left with are grapes waiting to ripen! Why change in fruits eh? Well! Please accept my smiles for now!

And just when you waited for the right time to see the grapes become yellow, something else on the personal front puts you off the zone. Your creators think that they are super-humans! No, seriously, they do!! They keep ignoring signals that their system sends out. All along you keep suggesting them to be alert. And then when things go out of control, they toss and turn restlessly. Finally you call your friend, the good Samaritan – the doc, and cry out! Some bizarre names fly around and of course your creators don’t have a choice but to resort to them. Well, one creator still thinks he can deal with his troubles himself! Nothing has happened to me – standard sentence! I am sick of hearing it, but he is not sick of telling me that he is not sick! Well, I don’t give up! The complaint has already reached the good Samaritan and we should see him soon. In the meantime it is just the prayer that it’s just the change of weather that has caused this turmoil.. hope it all settles down.

Why am I writing all this? Rambling is my middle name or my writing’s middle name? No! It is not! I sometimes like to write in loops and scribble my thoughts. At least there is one space that belongs to me and my mind. Yes, we share it! Writing sometimes is cathartic. Am I letting out all to the world outside? Maybe I am, maybe I am not! Either ways if I am rambling, it will leave you confused.. right? So happy confusion! No, I am not answering any questions! If I am left to deal with it myself anyways, I’d rather just do that! After all no one can live my life for me, right? I alone have to do that.. just as one comes alone into this world and has to return the same way too.. life is a circumstance!

gifting?

Buy baby diapers n blah blah.. 51% off! Ok. So?

Sometimes these ads that come on your emails, baffle you. Really, what do they have in their mind when they send you these mails? No, I don’t want my baby to use a diaper.. I am traditional, I believe in using old soft cotton cloth. Common, tell me, now what do you want to do?

Woah woah! U say.. haha.. no, I don’t know no kids of my own! ;)

I am just plainly amused by what I see 'n' what I get :D

But, with the number of baby births and the number of friends about to deliver, I wonder if such offers would come in handy. It is confusing to buy gifts for two kinds of people: guys and babies :P yeah right!! :D

After a point, I fall short of ideas of what to gift a guy friend on his birthday or wedding anniversary or whatever! Ok, Watch – he has more than one! Perfume – what if he doesn’t like the smell! Belt – he already has one! N plus, I don’t know his waist size! Blah! Shirt – I just gifted him one last year! Pen – how many really use the pen these days! Book – ditto as the perfume, maybe the smell included :D Gift voucher – oh! That would tell him my budget too! N so on n so forth!

Similarly, for babies.. new born – buy a rug.. ok, they have many.. buy toys – which probably parents would admire more than the kids.. buy some baby soap n powder n all.. ok…what else? Sweater – what if the quality is not up to the mark n the kid is sensitive! Clothes – ok.. not bad, but the kid would out-grow it in no time.. n so on n so forth.. :)

N then when I saw this diaper ad – I was wondering how many of my friends would be okay if I got them diapers for their babies.. would that be a good ‘gift’? Common, it is as useful as you can think!

So, mommies to be.. or mommies already… let me know.. tell me if that would make your life a lil easier :) else suggest something… will you! Puhleeezz!!

Love you mommies.. n love you lil bundles! :)

the white

i came... my eyes hovered around... they traced all those paths that you walked and traversed... every glance up and it almost seemed reflexive... i wanted to see you.. my mind said dont search.. its not worth it.. but the scene had already got internalized.. i tried to avoid all those paths, in response to my mind.. yet my heart kept prompting my eyes for a glance of that smile.. of those eyes that were once transfixed on the Duty with Love... of that heart which had drowned in tears at the ultimate loss.. yes, i felt your pain.. but its just that you dint know..
vrooommm.. went a motorbike past me... i turned around only to look at the floor of the pristine environs again... i kept wondering why i kept searching despite a clear n empty word.. like i said.. maybe i had internalized the scene too much to let go.. the pictures behind u.. the colors of the tree playing an umbrella to the temple top.. those vibrant colors.. they were all there... but yet i missed the white... i went past that building once.. just once.. to steal a glance.. but i was also scared of getting caught.. then i thought.. i dint see you in the first place ever this time... then why should i fear.. n why should i fear when i havent done anything wrong..
i then happened to go to a friend's place n there she told me that you had left.. i dint know how to react.. i wanted to ask her where had you been and why did you leave.. but what was the point? how would that help? but you see you were so integral to the place.. suddenly it all started making sense.. thats why i dint see u.. i dont know if you were preoccupied... but i dont think you are so attached to your thoughts either.. especially after all that we wrote.. me in words n you in void..
u have now gone far.. ofcourse long back beyond exchanges but now beyond sight too.. you never bothered to reply.. but you never bothered anyways! all the same you did bother.. me in my thoughts...
i walked back aimlessly.. back into the pristine environs.. this time trying to accept that you werent around.. n that you really had left.. n for once, i hopelessly walked past the lanes n beautiful pathways n those buildings.. this time fearlessly.. knowing that we wont exchange glances.. they all seemed different.. probably a little lifeless? i tried to be indifferent.. but then you see you were internalized!
but slowly.. slowly the memory will fade.. just hoping that you are happy always... wherever you have gone... maybe we will meet someday.. our paths might cross... or maybe they wont.. but.. the memory will fade slowly.. slowly the eyes will close forever.. slowly n slowly n slowly...

complete the picture for me

complete the picture for me

join me in all that we did

let me live each of those moments one more time

for i might never see them again

be it a musical or a play

or just a hot cuppa by the winding street

or the talk through the night

or the walks under the sky

be it a game

or those words in space

within 'parallel universes' with the moon shining bright

or the bears at the end of the day

image courtesy: http://www.masterfile.com/stock-photography/image/608-03473009/A-paintbrush-and-paint-can-with-a-face-and-limbs

complete the picture for me

join me in all that we did

let me live each of those moments one more time

for i might never see them again

Ghost Writer

image courtesy: http://www.toonpool.com/cartoons/ICT%20Overdose_30104  

when you at your office desk, open ur diary, and jot down something.. and suddenly turn around to look into your computer screen and park your cursor on any type-able space.. and the system is automatically typing a singular bizarre looking character.. 
what comes to your mind?! damn! is it some virus?? dear lord, am i going to lose something? 
the system is typing this by itself in the URL text box, in a word document.. hell! anywhere, absolutely anywhere you park and you see a non-stop stream of the same character...one, two, three, four.....hundred, two hundred... thousand, three thousand... and you haven't stopped counting... your mind screams STOP! 
whats going wrong with my computer?! Alarm rings the mind.. (poetic license? no! that's not a wrong structure; neither per grammar nor per meaning.. ask me ;))
and then you look around.. only to notice that the edge of your diary is pressing a key! so that's the 'ghost writer'?! yes yes.. no virus! phew! thank god! :D

Only You

When I looked into Your eyes,

And You looked into mine,

There was only love that I saw…

Pure, unsullied, divine.

Deep wine I gave up for You,

Your stay in my core – my breath.

A million fools say those who haven’t risen in eternal love;

Not knowing the only one so true…

Is right next to them,

Just look around and you’ll know,

And say, I have You.

Your soul mate for life and sometimes beyond…

Oh, Thank You for thinking about me all along even if I may have strayed;

Forgetting at times Your worth and Your always being by my side…

Nay, in me.

Let me realize in all Your glory and promise You,

To be with You and You with me.

Forever and ever!

lil lilies

A tuft of pink lilies
They stand up above the ground
Amidst green carpets
Over mud brown.
Undeterred yet swaying
They make an inspiring sight
Pretty little things
Standing united in might.
[Says who? Yours truly :)]

Here I come :)

And so I decide to come and add more pages to the wired space!


Hope to have some interesting stuff here... Or wait! Why don't you decide whether this space is interesting or not? ;)

Keep visiting... Thanks!.. Yes, in advance :D