She

Why did she put aside her ego and self-respect for that one person? Why is it so difficult to let go, while that should be the easiest thing to do. As a great master said, holding something is like a burden; the thing being held has a weight… instead try dropping it, you will be weight-free. She wished it was as easy as saying those words.

Evasive butterfly… she dint want to cut its wings for she knew how beautiful those wings are.

The more she knows, the more she gets entangled, and then the more it hurts her! She feels his pain, if only he knew it! She hates it that he should have gone through all that he did, even if she only had glimpses; but it pains her that he did. But the way to recovery is in one’s hands – only that person can help themselves! When one knows that something is a problem, knowing that it is a problem is the first step to redemption! And if she is offering a hand, if she is willing to reach out to him, how can he not know that? How can he not recognize that she does not want to take anything from him. Everyone has been doing that to him, but there is that one who is not looking to take anything from him, but only give him in abundance. Has his brain become so fuzzy and his sight so veiled by the ill-meaning of others that he cannot even sense that she wishes only good for him?

What he thought would never work, would have worked if he peeped in deeper. She doesn't know why she is persevering on reaching out and stuck on her thoughts so much. She can’t even open talk to anyone. She dislikes this noise. She dislikes that she is feeling all this when he doesn't even bother to know!

How hard surfaced has his heart and perception become?! She only keeps wishing that it is all after all a bad dream.

Freedom?

Is the loss of freedom only for a guy? Mustn't girls go through it more than guys would? After all it is a girl who leaves everything as it were and goes into a guy’s house. She has to accept his family as her own and do everything. (Personally I feel that acceptance between future family-members has to be done willingly. I also feel that it can very well be achieved with some maturity from all persons involved. I feel it is perfectly possible!! Maybe my opinion is positively clouded by my circumstances and what I have seen around me!)

Is there really any such thing as freedom? Or is it just a sense of it? Is it intrinsic or external to oneself?

If there is freedom, is it necessary for someone else to oppose it? There again, is the opposing element internal or external to the individual? If internal, how must one deal with it? If external, how must one deal with it?

Is exercising discretion the same as exercising control? Is it self-control? When does discretion of one become restraint for the other?

I am just loud thinking. These questions are occurring to me. They might have occurred or might be occurring to you too. My intention is not to tarnish anything or mess things up. It is just what I said: LOUD thinking!

I told you, this blog is MY space! :)

PS: CnH makes it a bit easy for us, right? ;)

Chaos

image courtesy: http://bbh-labs.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/3199296759_e5130dc6c1.jpg

When there is too much uncertainty and chaos all at the same time…

There is a line in hindi: dene wala jab bhi deta hai, deta hai chappar phad ke.

I can’t believe more in this line that right now! Most people would be thinking of elating moments in the given context, but well, the story is quite the contrary!

It’s not like it’s all so bad! But it sure is extremely trying!

When you have to justify or prove a point in your personal and professional sphere, all at the same time. Alright, this must be the case with many.. but I wonder if I have ever had it easy. The only two true companions in such times have been the Force and my humor. Yes of course my family and friends too. But aren’t they still external to the circumstances that one is directly in?

To cut the frills out, this is my first product release in the ‘new’ workplace. That too after some time. So it has been an interesting revelation to see how one deals with things all over again. My sabbatical taught me a lot of other things.. things which no other would have taught me. But I did experience withdrawal symptoms once I got back in the industry. It wasn’t easy sitting in front of the comp for so long. It was tough to sit in one place doing one thing. The extent of multi-tasking in my break and being on my toes all the time on the one hand, and then suddenly being ‘seated’ – maggi hot n sweet tomato chili sauce, its different! Hah!

But now am back into my ‘comfort zone’ so to say.. yes, I am still finding the need to prove it to myself, more than to anyone else, that I am still what I used to be! Probably inching ahead! I have learnt a lot over the last few months here. From new terms to new people to new distances to many more new things.. it has been an interesting journey. Now, as the release cycle ends and the product is about to hit the market, the last minute runs, the end rushes, all end up overwhelming me. The cycle is about to end. But the work is still in progress. And it’s not funny! I cant wait for it all to finish and me being able to sleep peacefully.

As if this is not it, some twists n turns in my personal sphere have made me feel like I am sitting in one of those Essel World rides. One minute you are concerned, the next minute you are relieved, the minute after that you are elated, the next minute more lemons are thrown at you. And then all you are left with are grapes waiting to ripen! Why change in fruits eh? Well! Please accept my smiles for now!

And just when you waited for the right time to see the grapes become yellow, something else on the personal front puts you off the zone. Your creators think that they are super-humans! No, seriously, they do!! They keep ignoring signals that their system sends out. All along you keep suggesting them to be alert. And then when things go out of control, they toss and turn restlessly. Finally you call your friend, the good Samaritan – the doc, and cry out! Some bizarre names fly around and of course your creators don’t have a choice but to resort to them. Well, one creator still thinks he can deal with his troubles himself! Nothing has happened to me – standard sentence! I am sick of hearing it, but he is not sick of telling me that he is not sick! Well, I don’t give up! The complaint has already reached the good Samaritan and we should see him soon. In the meantime it is just the prayer that it’s just the change of weather that has caused this turmoil.. hope it all settles down.

Why am I writing all this? Rambling is my middle name or my writing’s middle name? No! It is not! I sometimes like to write in loops and scribble my thoughts. At least there is one space that belongs to me and my mind. Yes, we share it! Writing sometimes is cathartic. Am I letting out all to the world outside? Maybe I am, maybe I am not! Either ways if I am rambling, it will leave you confused.. right? So happy confusion! No, I am not answering any questions! If I am left to deal with it myself anyways, I’d rather just do that! After all no one can live my life for me, right? I alone have to do that.. just as one comes alone into this world and has to return the same way too.. life is a circumstance!