She

Why did she put aside her ego and self-respect for that one person? Why is it so difficult to let go, while that should be the easiest thing to do. As a great master said, holding something is like a burden; the thing being held has a weight… instead try dropping it, you will be weight-free. She wished it was as easy as saying those words.

Evasive butterfly… she dint want to cut its wings for she knew how beautiful those wings are.

The more she knows, the more she gets entangled, and then the more it hurts her! She feels his pain, if only he knew it! She hates it that he should have gone through all that he did, even if she only had glimpses; but it pains her that he did. But the way to recovery is in one’s hands – only that person can help themselves! When one knows that something is a problem, knowing that it is a problem is the first step to redemption! And if she is offering a hand, if she is willing to reach out to him, how can he not know that? How can he not recognize that she does not want to take anything from him. Everyone has been doing that to him, but there is that one who is not looking to take anything from him, but only give him in abundance. Has his brain become so fuzzy and his sight so veiled by the ill-meaning of others that he cannot even sense that she wishes only good for him?

What he thought would never work, would have worked if he peeped in deeper. She doesn't know why she is persevering on reaching out and stuck on her thoughts so much. She can’t even open talk to anyone. She dislikes this noise. She dislikes that she is feeling all this when he doesn't even bother to know!

How hard surfaced has his heart and perception become?! She only keeps wishing that it is all after all a bad dream.

My ENcounTer with the ENT surgeon – a lil walk down ‘historical’ memory lane..

image courtesy: http://www.cartoonstock.com

I had been to an ENT surgeon recently for fixing an issue that I had to fix for a while now. Finally the day my product went live, that very evening, I went to the doc to fix up an appointment. It felt like I was suddenly given a time-machine. Or was it a scene from an old movie. The checkered light grey and white false ceiling, the wooden walls with distinct blackened out elliptical patches wherever the oily heads would rest, the mosaic flooring, a ceiling fan, and a khat khat khat khat…kreen..khat khat khat sound… guess of what.. a type-writer! Yes you heard it right!! The receptionist filled in my details and asked me to wait for my turn. And finally I was allowed in to meet the doctor.

The consultation room inside was another masterpiece! Of the master himself that spoke of skilled fingers that were seasoned over 55+ years. The doctor is 85 yrs old and going strong! The room inside too was distinct with pictures of a couple of God’s pics that dated some decades old, papers stacked up in cupboards, and I think this room had a checkered grey and black tile flooring.

The senior doc had a junior doc to assist him. The senior asked me about my problem. After I explained to him all that I could remember , he asked me when did the trauma happen? I was confused. In my head I was asking what ‘trauma’? Do you mean like now? Or do you mean my mental state (screw that!)? Then it occurred to me, he meant my nose’s first encounter with the floor. So I told him about my smart idea of skipping with my jacket as a kid of 7, when I really was a kid of 7 yrs! He heard me out for about 3 minutes, patiently listening to my account.

The senior doc then just gave notes as the junior doc wrote as instructed. The senior did not write anything!! He just spoke. He probably didn’t even move his hands! He asked me to take a seat a few steps away. The senior doctor sat facing me. The junior doctor placed a crown-like gear on the senior’s head. And suddenly the crown flashed its Kohinoor; the ‘headlight’ went on. The junior held some mini-golf stick like object with a reflecting surface, and put it inside my nostrils. The next thought in my head was god, how many noses does that go into?! But I had no choice but to ‘trust’ the doctor. The senior examined my nose. He said the known, and I pretended to be unknown! The words came like thunder, “Your left nostril is almost completely blocked!”

He then spoke a few words.. all of which I already knew… coz I knew what the issue was! I felt like a mini-ENT surgeon myself :P Anyways, so then he said I needed to undergo such n such minor surgery and such n such tests before that. I concurred with him.

And the whole meeting inside the consultation room would have lasted not more than 7 minutes. 15 seconds of me walking in, 3 minutes of my talking, 1 and a quarter minutes of checking up, 1 and a half minutes of the senior doc speaking, 7 seconds of him saying “the charges are 500 bucks and you need to pay it here”, 5 seconds of me giving him a wry smile (with massive questions running in my head about 7 minutes and 500 bucks.. WTF!!!), 20 seconds of me fishing out notes from here and there, 7 seconds of dishing out the treasured amount to him, 15 seconds of me walking out! Phew! Chuck the math! :D

image courtesy: http://www.cartoonstock.com

But I came back feeling like hah! I knew it, all he had to do was to confirm my thoughts! So much for it! But I was glad that I now knew for SURE! :)

So, that was my ENcounTer with the ENT surgeon! A phenomenal doctor, really! Why am I saying that.. I will keep that for another blog entry!

How?!

what happens when the meaning of the word "faith" gets mixed up with religion or rather "being religious"... when the only expression that you have ever known in your faith is to love and that too unconditionally.

when you are not understood and worse still not given a chance to speak... when all that matters is the self of the other... when it is so easy for people to hurt you.. when people are afraid of confrontation... when people are afraid of their own fears... 

when people turn so self-centered that they dont think about how insensitive they have been towards you and your feelings... when all that matters is only ME rather than WE... when you will to give but the other refuses to take... when you look like an idiot while not thinking about yourself but only about the other... when the other does not make any effort to understand this!

when the other hates letting everyone know... when the other wants you to talk directly and yet does not give you a chance... when the other refuses to acknowledge... when the other knew it all along and yet kept dragging...

when the other assumes that you wont understand, while you actually can understand with some back reference... when the other thinks that you dont have any back reference! when the other is only to bothered to nurse their wounds!

when all the dreams are built on foundations and basis provided by the other... but then suddenly the other backs off... without a word... without a heart! shattering dreams, shattering the wishes of so many people, shattering the core of not just that one - you - but the other's self too!!

you idiot! how could you?! konchum kuda anbu illeya unnaku? anba vittu tallu.. manasu illeya onnaku? konchum kuda nenaichu parkaliye ni?

And then...

When we met and then let all know about our meeting,

When our folks met and our folks also let all know about our decision,

It was a happy moment for sure!

Finally it seemed like the search had ended!

Each time I would meet someone,

I felt my eyes locked with your’s,

A shy smile spread across my face,

Every pore oozing happiness as they all in unison proclaimed.

In song, from a movie or devotional or classical,

Your name appeared.

All heads turned towards me..

Laughter and mirth like I had never before heard.

And then all the chaos happened.

Yesterday the situation was similar..

They still played and sang the same songs..

Only this time, my eyes looked down

No other head turned towards me either.

Maybe they felt my pain.

Maybe they dint see me shy again.

Maybe they wondered if I would be hurt.

Maybe they just dint want to pour salt on a soft skin burnt.

image courtesy: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_185/1189950770bEgAvv.jpg

I searched endlessly for that coy smile

That mischief in the song.

Those dozen eyes to turn towards me

To tell me it was all a short n bad dream.

You have ridden me of my enthusiasm

The excitement that comes like a blossoming flower in a bride’s life

I don’t know what to name it anymore.

I never knew it now nor before.

Yes, my search has ended… for I can’t search any more!

This is it, or else nothing else is!

That’s for now.. my final call!

Freedom?

Is the loss of freedom only for a guy? Mustn't girls go through it more than guys would? After all it is a girl who leaves everything as it were and goes into a guy’s house. She has to accept his family as her own and do everything. (Personally I feel that acceptance between future family-members has to be done willingly. I also feel that it can very well be achieved with some maturity from all persons involved. I feel it is perfectly possible!! Maybe my opinion is positively clouded by my circumstances and what I have seen around me!)

Is there really any such thing as freedom? Or is it just a sense of it? Is it intrinsic or external to oneself?

If there is freedom, is it necessary for someone else to oppose it? There again, is the opposing element internal or external to the individual? If internal, how must one deal with it? If external, how must one deal with it?

Is exercising discretion the same as exercising control? Is it self-control? When does discretion of one become restraint for the other?

I am just loud thinking. These questions are occurring to me. They might have occurred or might be occurring to you too. My intention is not to tarnish anything or mess things up. It is just what I said: LOUD thinking!

I told you, this blog is MY space! :)

PS: CnH makes it a bit easy for us, right? ;)

Chaos

image courtesy: http://bbh-labs.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/3199296759_e5130dc6c1.jpg

When there is too much uncertainty and chaos all at the same time…

There is a line in hindi: dene wala jab bhi deta hai, deta hai chappar phad ke.

I can’t believe more in this line that right now! Most people would be thinking of elating moments in the given context, but well, the story is quite the contrary!

It’s not like it’s all so bad! But it sure is extremely trying!

When you have to justify or prove a point in your personal and professional sphere, all at the same time. Alright, this must be the case with many.. but I wonder if I have ever had it easy. The only two true companions in such times have been the Force and my humor. Yes of course my family and friends too. But aren’t they still external to the circumstances that one is directly in?

To cut the frills out, this is my first product release in the ‘new’ workplace. That too after some time. So it has been an interesting revelation to see how one deals with things all over again. My sabbatical taught me a lot of other things.. things which no other would have taught me. But I did experience withdrawal symptoms once I got back in the industry. It wasn’t easy sitting in front of the comp for so long. It was tough to sit in one place doing one thing. The extent of multi-tasking in my break and being on my toes all the time on the one hand, and then suddenly being ‘seated’ – maggi hot n sweet tomato chili sauce, its different! Hah!

But now am back into my ‘comfort zone’ so to say.. yes, I am still finding the need to prove it to myself, more than to anyone else, that I am still what I used to be! Probably inching ahead! I have learnt a lot over the last few months here. From new terms to new people to new distances to many more new things.. it has been an interesting journey. Now, as the release cycle ends and the product is about to hit the market, the last minute runs, the end rushes, all end up overwhelming me. The cycle is about to end. But the work is still in progress. And it’s not funny! I cant wait for it all to finish and me being able to sleep peacefully.

As if this is not it, some twists n turns in my personal sphere have made me feel like I am sitting in one of those Essel World rides. One minute you are concerned, the next minute you are relieved, the minute after that you are elated, the next minute more lemons are thrown at you. And then all you are left with are grapes waiting to ripen! Why change in fruits eh? Well! Please accept my smiles for now!

And just when you waited for the right time to see the grapes become yellow, something else on the personal front puts you off the zone. Your creators think that they are super-humans! No, seriously, they do!! They keep ignoring signals that their system sends out. All along you keep suggesting them to be alert. And then when things go out of control, they toss and turn restlessly. Finally you call your friend, the good Samaritan – the doc, and cry out! Some bizarre names fly around and of course your creators don’t have a choice but to resort to them. Well, one creator still thinks he can deal with his troubles himself! Nothing has happened to me – standard sentence! I am sick of hearing it, but he is not sick of telling me that he is not sick! Well, I don’t give up! The complaint has already reached the good Samaritan and we should see him soon. In the meantime it is just the prayer that it’s just the change of weather that has caused this turmoil.. hope it all settles down.

Why am I writing all this? Rambling is my middle name or my writing’s middle name? No! It is not! I sometimes like to write in loops and scribble my thoughts. At least there is one space that belongs to me and my mind. Yes, we share it! Writing sometimes is cathartic. Am I letting out all to the world outside? Maybe I am, maybe I am not! Either ways if I am rambling, it will leave you confused.. right? So happy confusion! No, I am not answering any questions! If I am left to deal with it myself anyways, I’d rather just do that! After all no one can live my life for me, right? I alone have to do that.. just as one comes alone into this world and has to return the same way too.. life is a circumstance!

gifting?

Buy baby diapers n blah blah.. 51% off! Ok. So?

Sometimes these ads that come on your emails, baffle you. Really, what do they have in their mind when they send you these mails? No, I don’t want my baby to use a diaper.. I am traditional, I believe in using old soft cotton cloth. Common, tell me, now what do you want to do?

Woah woah! U say.. haha.. no, I don’t know no kids of my own! ;)

I am just plainly amused by what I see 'n' what I get :D

But, with the number of baby births and the number of friends about to deliver, I wonder if such offers would come in handy. It is confusing to buy gifts for two kinds of people: guys and babies :P yeah right!! :D

After a point, I fall short of ideas of what to gift a guy friend on his birthday or wedding anniversary or whatever! Ok, Watch – he has more than one! Perfume – what if he doesn’t like the smell! Belt – he already has one! N plus, I don’t know his waist size! Blah! Shirt – I just gifted him one last year! Pen – how many really use the pen these days! Book – ditto as the perfume, maybe the smell included :D Gift voucher – oh! That would tell him my budget too! N so on n so forth!

Similarly, for babies.. new born – buy a rug.. ok, they have many.. buy toys – which probably parents would admire more than the kids.. buy some baby soap n powder n all.. ok…what else? Sweater – what if the quality is not up to the mark n the kid is sensitive! Clothes – ok.. not bad, but the kid would out-grow it in no time.. n so on n so forth.. :)

N then when I saw this diaper ad – I was wondering how many of my friends would be okay if I got them diapers for their babies.. would that be a good ‘gift’? Common, it is as useful as you can think!

So, mommies to be.. or mommies already… let me know.. tell me if that would make your life a lil easier :) else suggest something… will you! Puhleeezz!!

Love you mommies.. n love you lil bundles! :)